The Power of Vulnerability

A colleague referred me to René Brown’s Ted Talk.  She is an inspiring researcher that not only found ways to help all of us watching, but also herself.  Here are some of the highlights of her talk:

• Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to life
• Shame is the fear of disconnection
• Do you believe you are worthy or belonging, being loved, being connected, to be imperfect?
• Do you have the compassion to be kind to your self first… then to others
• Let go of who you should be, and be who you are
• Vulnerability is beautiful, but not always comfortable
• Vulnerability is the birth of happiness, joy, creativity, belonging, and love
• Blame is the a way to discharge pain and discomfort
• We make everything uncertain…certain
• The more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we become
• We try to perfect not only ourselves, but also our children
• We pretend that what we do does not effect others
• René Brown wanted the audience to learn:
• Let yourself be seen
• Love with your whole heart, without any guarantee
• Practice gratitude and joy
• Tell yourself, “I AM ENOUGH”

To watch the Ted Talk in it’s entirety simply click on this link (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1198854).

Go out there and practice some or all of what René Brown was trying to teach.  You will live a Happier, Healthier, and Longer life. 

Talk It Out, not It Tough

The Risk of Toughing it Out

There is no way around dealing with life events.  Some are easy to process, others are difficult, and some are traumatic.  No matter what the event, we use learned coping skills to be able to move forward.  There are many people, especially men, who have decided that “Toughing it Out” is their way of coping, rather than “Talking it Out”.  But, what are the consequences?

An article by Dr. Jonier, describes how depression is a real worry when “Toughing it Out”, and the results can lead to decreased physical health, increased aggression, and intense irritability.  All can damage the relationships with kids, a spouse, friends, and co-workers.  Dr. Muller wrote that “Toughing it Out” individuals dealing with trauma, such as PTSD, often revert to drugs, alcohol, or suicide.  In fact, The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states that each year over 40,000 Americans die through suicide, and 70% are middle aged white men. 

The isolation and loneliness that comes from “Toughing it Out” not only can decrease happiness and ruin relationships, but can also be lethal. 

Take charge of your life,

Improve your relationships,

Decrease your emotional pain…

Seek help & “Talking it Out”

I'm Not Crazy

In recent weeks I have overheard this conversation multiple times

Friend 1:  Wow, I am so overwhelmed

Friend 2:  Have you thought about seeking help?

Friend 1:  What do you mean?

Friend 2:  You know, go see a therapist

Friend 1:  I AM NOT CRAZY!

The implication here is that only crazy people need counseling, when in reality you are crazy for NOT going to counseling. 

Here are the facts:  Psychology Today reports that 59 million adults seek therapy in the United States.  GoodTherapy.org explains that an overwhelming majority of these individuals are “ordinary people with common, everyday issues”.  So, as research clearly indicates, therapy is for everyone including YOU, the reader, and it is only due to social stigmas why the word “crazy” is associated with therapy.

Dr. Howes, writing for Psychology Today, lists that adults in the US go to therapy because of distress, support/coping needs, communication issues, self-exploration, or mental disorders.  The simple truth is that every individual needs help processing events in our daily lives, and a counselor can help by giving support, information, guidance, or practice new tools.

Despite what you may have learned growing up, despite what you may see on TV or at the movies, and despite what may be said by some friends or acquaintances, going to therapy helps you THRIVE.  It is the strong, brave, and healthy that become vulnerable in order to grow, and they should be applauded and supported not ridiculed. 

If therapy is suggested to you, please go.

Will 2017 be "THE BEST YEAR EVER"?

Every year about this time, my mom makes her annual and confidant declaration: “Next year is going to be the BEST YEAR EVER!”

It does not matter how good or bad the year before has been, nor does it matter what the next year looks to be.  It is always the same, and it is always “THE BEST YEAR EVER!”

Let us analyze.  How was 2016 for you, and how does 2017 look to be?  For me, 2016 certainly had countless of exceptional days, but it also had many difficult days.  So, I would not rank 2016 as the BEST YEAR EVER, and the same will probably be true for 2017.  Next year, I have some fun adventures planned, several business opportunities on the horizon, and countless days filled with family time to look forward to.

In the end, what makes a year the BEST?  Is it important to have a BEST YEAR EVER?  Why do we want to have such a year?  The answers to these questions cannot only be complicated and confusing, but also unique to each of us.  The power these questions lie in the information we gain from looking and learning about what is important in our lives.  The answers will also give us great personal power to make decisions that will further improve our mental health and personal happiness.

Good luck on your journey of figuring out how to make 2017…

“THE BEST YEAR EVER!”

Over exaggeration doesn't win the fight

“Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.”  Dr. Steven Stosny. 

When we feel disconnected, it is vitally important to relive that pain and become connected again.  A huge, and common, mistake couples make while fighting is over exaggerating statements in order to make a point.  For example, how many times have you heard, “You never do this” or “You always do that”.

The reason this is a mistake is because of the defensiveness it causes the other person to feel.  Even if one person has a tendency of doing something, he or she does not “always” do it, and that causes them to feel unfairly accused.  The result is, instead of relieving the pain and becoming more connected, these statements escalate the fight therefore enhancing the pain and disconnection.

There is no such thing as a couple that does not fight.  So, the next time you are in a fight with your significant other, remember that you are fighting to get reconnected again.  Your words can either help or hurt that process.