Friday, September 2, 2016

Contempt Destroys Relationships

Recently I came across an article by Susan Heitler Ph. D. who argued that “contempt” destroys relationships of all kind.  Having been through that a time or two, I can wholeheartedly agree with her assertion. 

According to Wikipedia, contempt has its origins in the year 1393, from the Latin word contemptus meaning scorn.  Even though people throughout time may not have been aware of the definition, they certainly have felt the emotional effects of contempt.  These subtle gestures or words such as eye-rolling, upper lip raising, and sarcasm are all signs of contempt.  The bottom line is that contempt indicates that a partner is not communicating to understand and grow, but rather to gain power and to belittle. 
Dr. Heitler goes on to describe six identifiers that are clear signals of a contemptuous relationship including:  
  1. Insufficient love
  2. Powering over
  3. Toxicity dump
  4. Rejection
  5. Break in the communication flow
  6. Feelings of hopelessness
The good news is that contempt has a polar opposite force, and a force that helps a relationship to bond, grow, and nurture.  As much as contempt indicates dismissal and disregard for a partner, empathy signals appreciation, affection, and LOVE. 
So on your journey to “Achieving Happiness”, work on getting rid of contempt, and rather choose to understand, appreciate, and empathize.  Good Luck.

To read Susan Heitler Ph. D.’s whole article, go to this website:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships

Contempt Destroys Relationships

Recently I came across an article by Susan Heitler Ph. D. who argued that “contempt” destroys relationships of all kind.  Having been through that a time or two, I can wholeheartedly agree with her assertion. 

According to Wikipedia, contempt has its origins in the year 1393, from the Latin word contemptus meaning scorn.  Even though people throughout time may not have been aware of the definition, they certainly have felt the emotional effects of contempt.  These subtle gestures or words such as eye-rolling, upper lip raising, and sarcasm are all signs of contempt.  The bottom line is that contempt indicates that a partner is not communicating to understand and grow, but rather to gain power and to belittle. 
Dr. Heitler goes on to describe six identifiers that are clear signals of a contemptuous relationship including:  
  1. Insufficient love
  2. Powering over
  3. Toxicity dump
  4. Rejection
  5. Break in the communication flow
  6. Feelings of hopelessness

The good news is that contempt has a polar opposite force, and a force that helps a relationship to bond, grow, and nurture.  As much as contempt indicates dismissal and disregard for a partner, empathy signals appreciation, affection, and LOVE. 
So on your journey to “Achieving Happiness”, work on getting rid of contempt, and rather choose to understand, appreciate, and empathize.  Good Luck.

To read Susan Heitler Ph. D.’s whole article, go to this website:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Quality or Quantity

In a relationship with someone, would you rather have “Quality” or “Quantity”?  Research shows that quality gives is us the best chance at finding true happiness, while quantity leads to the least amount of short term heart ache.  So, while quantity avoids some pain right now, quality rewards us with long-term happiness

Countless of people have spent imaginable amount of hours pondering the importance of the relationship on one’s happiness, and here is what some of them had to say:
·       The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.
--Anthony Robbins

·       A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.
--Leo F. Buscaglia

·       People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
--Joseph F. Newton Men

·       Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
--Swedish Proverb

·       Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.--Miles Franklin

·       Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.       --Anthony Robbins

So, if you are ready for meaningful, trustworthy, and safe relationships, then pursue quality.  Yes it can be scary at times, but it is also very thrilling and adventurous.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

I Married My Own Nancy Ragan

Nancy Ragan was put to rest at the Ragan Library in California, and much has been said about her leading up to the burial.  I was listening to an interview with the revered political analyst Charles Krauthammer, and he described her as being the backbone of President Ronald Ragan.  Mr. Krauthammer went on to describe Mrs. Ragan as having a combination of “Elegance, Style, and Steel”.  Ronald Ragan found a best friend in Nancy; despite having an administration full of consultants and advisors went to his wife to process and find the solution. 

Elegance, style, steel, backbone, and a best friend are all attributes that would describe my incredible wife, Katie.  She is not only the love of my life, but also my grounding force.  Katie has shown me what real love is supposed to be, and what a true partnership is.  Her acceptance of all of my abilities and disabilities has helped develop a self-confidence I have never had before.


I will never be the President of the United States, I will never have an airport named after me, and generations of people will not adopt my philosophy as theirs, but I do have the kind of love story Mr. Ragan had… and will cherish it for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Dealing with feelings is very inefficient


One of the most frequently asked questions for people who enter therapy is “How long will this take?”  AllPsyc.com tries to answer this by writing

“The length of therapy really depends mainly on the issues being addressed and the desire of the individual to feel better. Other factors play a role, such as support from friends and family, stressors, intelligence, and amount of insight. Typically, however, some disorders require only short-term treatment such as simple phobias, impotence, and other very specific issues. Some disorders can take years to get to a resolution such as with victims of severe sexual or physical abuse, bipolar disorder, or some personality disorders. During this time, however, treatment can wax and wane, so to speak, with periods of really good days, weeks, and months, and periods of not so good days. Treatment can also progress more stepwise, with small gains being made at a steady pace.”


But what does this mean?  It means that the road to mental health is individual to you, and it takes time to get there.  You can’t simply take medication, can’t just change your diet, or can’t exercise more, you HAVE to process your feelings… and that takes time. 

If you decide to keep your feelings to yourself, tough it out, or simply just burying them, it will come back to haunt you.  Troublesome dreams, depression, anxiety, or physical issues have been reported as symptoms to unresolved emotions.

Just like you put aside time to grocery shop, work out, and clean the house, take time to process your feelings.  It will be an investment in yourself that will pay off in unlimited amount of ways. 


Enjoy the Journey

Monday, March 7, 2016

Glossophobia

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 74% of people have anxiety about speaking in public; and 19% have a full fledge phobia called Glassophobia.

This means that, in general, people are more afraid of speaking in public than death, spiders, flying, and confined spaces. 

Common symptoms may include dry mouth, knees knocking, hands trembling, voice quivering, sweating (WebMD). 

To overcome this, WebMD suggests visualizing and practicing, but counseling is the best option if the anxiety or phobia is too strong or physically debilitating.

I contend that even though visualizing and practicing does help, to some degree, nothing will help with the speaking anxiety or phobia like an emotional corrective experience.

This route is harder and much riskier, because in order to benefit, we literally have to put ourselves out-there.  It’s worth taking the risk though, because of the long lasting emotional growth, these corrective experiences are astronomically more impactful.  So, start with a SAFE audience first, and take more risks after that.

There is no doubt that speaking in public is a real fear and difficult to overcome, but having an emotional corrective experience could dramatically change your life. 

Emotional corrective experiences could unlock hidden potential, help you move forward in your career, or help you share your personal story with others. 


No matter the reason, tackling this anxiety will improve your confidence and ultimately your Mental Health.