Fighting is inevitable within any relationship, but it does
not have to be a negative or a destructive experience. If both parties are fighting to improve the
relationship and the situation rather then wanting to “be right” or to “win”, a
lot of good can come from a confrontation.
How language is used is important to not only being productive,
but also to be caring and loving. Wayne
Misner (Men Don’t Listen) argues that “’I’ statements are not as offensive when you’re trying to be
understood”. After all,
what is the goal of your fights? What
are you hoping will change? What are you fighting about?
Phrases that can be useful includes: I notice, I assume, I wonder, I suspect, I believe,
I resent, I am puzzled, I am hurt, I regret, I am afraid, I am frustrated, I am
happier, I want, I expect, I appreciate, I
realize, I hope
If you are not used to using “I” phrases in your
fights, this list might seem a little overwhelming. Wayne Misner suggests using “I hope” first,
but most importantly leave the “you” out of it.
Good luck in your next fight, and may the both of
you be understood and both of you win.
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