The Power of Vulnerability

A colleague referred me to René Brown’s Ted Talk.  She is an inspiring researcher that not only found ways to help all of us watching, but also herself.  Here are some of the highlights of her talk:

• Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to life
• Shame is the fear of disconnection
• Do you believe you are worthy or belonging, being loved, being connected, to be imperfect?
• Do you have the compassion to be kind to your self first… then to others
• Let go of who you should be, and be who you are
• Vulnerability is beautiful, but not always comfortable
• Vulnerability is the birth of happiness, joy, creativity, belonging, and love
• Blame is the a way to discharge pain and discomfort
• We make everything uncertain…certain
• The more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we become
• We try to perfect not only ourselves, but also our children
• We pretend that what we do does not effect others
• René Brown wanted the audience to learn:
• Let yourself be seen
• Love with your whole heart, without any guarantee
• Practice gratitude and joy
• Tell yourself, “I AM ENOUGH”

To watch the Ted Talk in it’s entirety simply click on this link (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1198854).

Go out there and practice some or all of what René Brown was trying to teach.  You will live a Happier, Healthier, and Longer life. 

Talk It Out, not It Tough

Over exaggeration doesn't win the fight

“Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.”  Dr. Steven Stosny. 

When we feel disconnected, it is vitally important to relive that pain and become connected again.  A huge, and common, mistake couples make while fighting is over exaggerating statements in order to make a point.  For example, how many times have you heard, “You never do this” or “You always do that”.

The reason this is a mistake is because of the defensiveness it causes the other person to feel.  Even if one person has a tendency of doing something, he or she does not “always” do it, and that causes them to feel unfairly accused.  The result is, instead of relieving the pain and becoming more connected, these statements escalate the fight therefore enhancing the pain and disconnection.

There is no such thing as a couple that does not fight.  So, the next time you are in a fight with your significant other, remember that you are fighting to get reconnected again.  Your words can either help or hurt that process.  

Say "I" when "You" fight

Fighting is inevitable within any relationship, but it does not have to be a negative or a destructive experience.  If both parties are fighting to improve the relationship and the situation rather then wanting to “be right” or to “win”, a lot of good can come from a confrontation. 

How language is used is important to not only being productive, but also to be caring and loving.  Wayne Misner (Men Don’t Listen) argues that “’I’ statements are not as offensive when you’re trying to be understood”.  After all, what is the goal of your fights?  What are you hoping will change? What are you fighting about?

Phrases that can be useful includes:  I notice, I assume, I wonder, I suspect, I believe, I resent, I am puzzled, I am hurt, I regret, I am afraid, I am frustrated, I am happier, I want, I expect, I appreciate, I realize, I hope 

If you are not used to using “I” phrases in your fights, this list might seem a little overwhelming.  Wayne Misner suggests using “I hope” first, but most importantly leave the “you” out of it.

Good luck in your next fight, and may the both of you be understood and both of you win.

How to Be a Man

There is a cruel irony to society’s view of what “Being a Man” is.  In general, we want a MAN to be strong, have the answers, and to take care of the family.  Society also tells men that they are not allowed to explore their thoughts and feelings, and definitely not allowed to talk about their thoughts and feelings.  Message received… “I’ll tough it out”. 

The cruelty of the situation is that “toughing it out” only decreases the chance of a man being strong, finding answers, and caring for the family.  Rather, it increases the chances of a man displaying irritability and anger, leading to isolation and loneliness.  Results can be catastrophic.

If society accurately supports “Talking it out” as normal and healthy way of dealing with stress, anxiety, and relationships; not only men would thrive, but also more relationships, more marriages, and more families would thrive. 

When men are taught to identify their emotions, and the resulting confusion and pain; the next step of “Talking it out”, helps a man grow more confident and self-assured.  As a result, he is more available to be masculine. 

So, stop the false narrative that men are not allowed to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Stop encouraging men to “Tough it Out”.  Start, spreading the word that Men will be better Men when they “Talk it Out”.

The most important thing in football is RELATIONSHIPS

The college football and NFL seasons have finally begun, and for millions of us fans we can finally travel, prepare, tailgate, and cheer for our favorite teams on their pursuit of the playoffs and of the title(s).  After months of preparations, coaches and players can actually begin to play and live out their dreams.  But, at the season’s end, many of these same coaches and players will say good-bye to their team they have put so much blood, sweat and time into.  My question is what will they miss the most?

If history can give us some insight, the answer is “RELATIONSHIPS”.  Time and time again we have seen coaches and players endure epic battles, brutal injuries, and bitter defeats without shedding a single tear.  When the time comes to leave a team behind, these same tough and courageous individuals cry in front of millions of people.   

Some may seem this as a judgment or criticism towards those emotional individuals; on the contrary, this is a display of admiration and respect of how important “RELATIONSHIPS” are towards happiness.  The same scenario is true for so many of us ordinary people with ordinary careers.  When it comes time for us to move on to something different, it is the relationships that are often the hardest thing to leave behind.

In conclusion, to “Achieve Happiness”, cherish your good relationships and spend plenty of time nurturing and enjoying them.

-- Armann