Over exaggeration doesn't win the fight

“Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.”  Dr. Steven Stosny. 

When we feel disconnected, it is vitally important to relive that pain and become connected again.  A huge, and common, mistake couples make while fighting is over exaggerating statements in order to make a point.  For example, how many times have you heard, “You never do this” or “You always do that”.

The reason this is a mistake is because of the defensiveness it causes the other person to feel.  Even if one person has a tendency of doing something, he or she does not “always” do it, and that causes them to feel unfairly accused.  The result is, instead of relieving the pain and becoming more connected, these statements escalate the fight therefore enhancing the pain and disconnection.

There is no such thing as a couple that does not fight.  So, the next time you are in a fight with your significant other, remember that you are fighting to get reconnected again.  Your words can either help or hurt that process.  

Contempt Destroys Relationships

Recently I came across an article by Susan Heitler Ph. D. who argued that “contempt” destroys relationships of all kind.  Having been through that a time or two, I can wholeheartedly agree with her assertion. 

According to Wikipedia, contempt has its origins in the year 1393, from the Latin word contemptus meaning scorn.  Even though people throughout time may not have been aware of the definition, they certainly have felt the emotional effects of contempt.  These subtle gestures or words such as eye-rolling, upper lip raising, and sarcasm are all signs of contempt.  The bottom line is that contempt indicates that a partner is not communicating to understand and grow, but rather to gain power and to belittle. 

Dr. Heitler goes on to describe six identifiers that are clear signals of a contemptuous relationship including:  

1. Insufficient love
2. Powering over
3. Toxicity dump
4. Rejection
5. Break in the communication flow
6. Feelings of hopelessness

The good news is that contempt has a polar opposite force, and a force that helps a relationship to bond, grow, and nurture.  As much as contempt indicates dismissal and disregard for a partner, empathy signals appreciation, affection, and LOVE. 

So on your journey to “Achieving Happiness”, work on getting rid of contempt, and rather choose to understand, appreciate, and empathize.  Good Luck.

To read Susan Heitler Ph. D.’s whole article, go to this website:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships

Contempt Destroys Relationships

Recently I came across an article by Susan Heitler Ph. D. who argued that “contempt” destroys relationships of all kind.  Having been through that a time or two, I can wholeheartedly agree with her assertion. 

According to Wikipedia, contempt has its origins in the year 1393, from the Latin word contemptus meaning scorn.  Even though people throughout time may not have been aware of the definition, they certainly have felt the emotional effects of contempt.  These subtle gestures or words such as eye-rolling, upper lip raising, and sarcasm are all signs of contempt.  The bottom line is that contempt indicates that a partner is not communicating to understand and grow, but rather to gain power and to belittle. 

Dr. Heitler goes on to describe six identifiers that are clear signals of a contemptuous relationship including:  

1. Insufficient love
2. Powering over
3. Toxicity dump
4. Rejection
5. Break in the communication flow
6. Feelings of hopelessness

The good news is that contempt has a polar opposite force, and a force that helps a relationship to bond, grow, and nurture.  As much as contempt indicates dismissal and disregard for a partner, empathy signals appreciation, affection, and LOVE. 

So on your journey to “Achieving Happiness”, work on getting rid of contempt, and rather choose to understand, appreciate, and empathize.  Good Luck.

To read Susan Heitler Ph. D.’s whole article, go to this website:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships

I Married My Own Nancy Ragan

Nancy Ragan was put to rest at the Ragan Library in California, and much has been said about her leading up to the burial.  I was listening to an interview with the revered political analyst Charles Krauthammer, and he described her as being the backbone of President Ronald Ragan.  Mr. Krauthammer went on to describe Mrs. Ragan as having a combination of “Elegance, Style, and Steel”.  Ronald Ragan found a best friend in Nancy; despite having an administration full of consultants and advisors went to his wife to process and find the solution. 

Elegance, style, steel, backbone, and a best friend are all attributes that would describe my incredible wife, Katie.  She is not only the love of my life, but also my grounding force.  Katie has shown me what real love is supposed to be, and what a true partnership is.  Her acceptance of all of my abilities and disabilities has helped develop a self-confidence I have never had before.

I will never be the President of the United States, I will never have an airport named after me, and generations of people will not adopt my philosophy as theirs, but I do have the kind of love story Mr. Ragan had… and will cherish it for the rest of my life.

Emotional Corrective Experience – at Home

Recently I had a political discussion with some friends.  Initially it was an innocent conversation about things we hear about in the news. Quickly it turned to sharing contrasting views on both policies and politicians.  In the middle of the discussion, I noticed that one friend stopped interjecting her opinion, and then she stood up, and finally excused herself from the room. 

It turns out that she has a long history of family members engaging in political talk that ends in personal fighting and insults.  Her emotional experience is very negative in these situations, so to her, there was no question that this conversation would lead to personal hardship. 

Rationalizing the situation in her head had no impact on her, avoiding the situation did not help either; but living through the conversation and seeing that all of us were friends at the end, was incredibly relieving and stress reducing.  She had an emotional corrective experience that contradicted her previous belief that “Political conversations always lead to personal hardship”. 

The next time we all gathered my friend took a chance by enduring the political talk until the very end.  Based on her past positive experience, she knew we might not agree politically but our personal relationship would not affected.  With more of these Emotional Corrective Experiences, my friend will become much more confidant and comfortable; soon she may also feel safe enough to share her own opinion: even if others disagree.