Alone vs. Loneliness

In all of the research regarding this topic, it boiled down to this:  Alone is a state of being and loneliness is a state of mind. 

Let’s unwrap this a little.  Alone is a state of being; something you physically are at that time and in that space.  For example, if you are home by yourself, you are alone; if you are on a golf course with no one around, you are alone; and if you are at the office and everyone has gone home, you are alone.  In each of these examples, being alone changes when another person enters the space you are in.  When alone, you have the ability to change from being alone to not being alone simply by inviting someone into your space. 

Loneliness is a state of mind, meaning an emotional state of being, or when we feel emotionally disconnected from the people around us.  Let’s use the same examples as before.  If you are home and the house is filled with family or friends but you don’t feel you can open up, you are feeling lonely; if you are on the golf course with 3 others in your group but feel disconnected, you are feeling lonely; if you are at an office Christmas party, surrounded by co-workers and no one wants to hear more than “fine” when asked “How are you?”, you are lonely

Loneliness is much harder to remedy, because of the complexity of feeling in sync with another human being.  Loneliness is difficult to change because of our own resistance to being vulnerable and acknowledging these painful feelings.  Finally, loneliness is challenging because of the skills required by two individuals to want to be emotionally connected.

Robin Williams once said, “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all along.  It’s not.  The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”  Whether you are alone or lonely, it is worth your time and effort to process your state of being as well as your state of mind.  Telling your story can only lead to a happier, healthier, and longer life.

The Risk of Toughing it Out

There is no way around dealing with life events.  Some are easy to process, others are difficult, and some are traumatic.  No matter what the event, we use learned coping skills to be able to move forward.  There are many people, especially men, who have decided that “Toughing it Out” is their way of coping, rather than “Talking it Out”.  But, what are the consequences?

An article by Dr. Jonier, describes how depression is a real worry when “Toughing it Out”, and the results can lead to decreased physical health, increased aggression, and intense irritability.  All can damage the relationships with kids, a spouse, friends, and co-workers.  Dr. Muller wrote that “Toughing it Out” individuals dealing with trauma, such as PTSD, often revert to drugs, alcohol, or suicide.  In fact, The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states that each year over 40,000 Americans die through suicide, and 70% are middle aged white men. 

The isolation and loneliness that comes from “Toughing it Out” not only can decrease happiness and ruin relationships, but can also be lethal. 

Take charge of your life,

Improve your relationships,

Decrease your emotional pain…

Seek help & “Talking it Out”

I'm Not Crazy

In recent weeks I have overheard this conversation multiple times

Friend 1:  Wow, I am so overwhelmed

Friend 2:  Have you thought about seeking help?

Friend 1:  What do you mean?

Friend 2:  You know, go see a therapist

Friend 1:  I AM NOT CRAZY!

The implication here is that only crazy people need counseling, when in reality you are crazy for NOT going to counseling. 

Here are the facts:  Psychology Today reports that 59 million adults seek therapy in the United States.  GoodTherapy.org explains that an overwhelming majority of these individuals are “ordinary people with common, everyday issues”.  So, as research clearly indicates, therapy is for everyone including YOU, the reader, and it is only due to social stigmas why the word “crazy” is associated with therapy.

Dr. Howes, writing for Psychology Today, lists that adults in the US go to therapy because of distress, support/coping needs, communication issues, self-exploration, or mental disorders.  The simple truth is that every individual needs help processing events in our daily lives, and a counselor can help by giving support, information, guidance, or practice new tools.

Despite what you may have learned growing up, despite what you may see on TV or at the movies, and despite what may be said by some friends or acquaintances, going to therapy helps you THRIVE.  It is the strong, brave, and healthy that become vulnerable in order to grow, and they should be applauded and supported not ridiculed. 

If therapy is suggested to you, please go.

What are the Facts?

According to Movember.com, on average 87 men commit suicide each day in the USA, men aged 40-59 are at the highest risk, and 1 in 4 adults in the US experience a mental health problem in a given year. 

Askmen.com reports that at least 6 million US men suffer from depression each year.  Depression in women is even larger then men, but men are four times more likely to commit suicide.  Conclusion, women are better at taking take of them selves.

Wikipedia reports that the three main reason men do not seek help are due fear, denial, and embarrassment.  Result, men are either silently suffering or dying too young. 

These staggering numbers demands a change in how we interact in our community.  Too many families are suffering due to the unhappiness of men, and too many men are dying too young.  Let’s change our view of mental health and share with everyone that in fact it is the strong, brave, and masculine men who seek to grow.

“LET’S TALK IT OUT, NOT TOUGH IT OUT!”

How to Be a Man

There is a cruel irony to society’s view of what “Being a Man” is.  In general, we want a MAN to be strong, have the answers, and to take care of the family.  Society also tells men that they are not allowed to explore their thoughts and feelings, and definitely not allowed to talk about their thoughts and feelings.  Message received… “I’ll tough it out”. 

The cruelty of the situation is that “toughing it out” only decreases the chance of a man being strong, finding answers, and caring for the family.  Rather, it increases the chances of a man displaying irritability and anger, leading to isolation and loneliness.  Results can be catastrophic.

If society accurately supports “Talking it out” as normal and healthy way of dealing with stress, anxiety, and relationships; not only men would thrive, but also more relationships, more marriages, and more families would thrive. 

When men are taught to identify their emotions, and the resulting confusion and pain; the next step of “Talking it out”, helps a man grow more confident and self-assured.  As a result, he is more available to be masculine. 

So, stop the false narrative that men are not allowed to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Stop encouraging men to “Tough it Out”.  Start, spreading the word that Men will be better Men when they “Talk it Out”.