“Lovers fight when they believe their partners
don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection.” Dr. Steven Stosny.
When we feel disconnected, it is vitally
important to relive that pain and become connected again. A huge, and common, mistake couples make
while fighting is over exaggerating statements in order to make a point. For example, how many times have you heard,
“You never do this” or “You always do that”.
The reason this is a mistake is because of the
defensiveness it causes the other person to feel. Even if one person has a tendency of doing
something, he or she does not “always” do it, and that causes them to feel
unfairly accused. The result is, instead
of relieving the pain and becoming more connected, these statements escalate
the fight therefore enhancing the pain and disconnection.
There is no such thing as a couple that does not fight. So, the next time you are in a fight with your
significant other, remember that you are fighting to get reconnected again. Your words can either help or hurt that
process.
