Emotional Corrective Experience – at Home

Recently I had a political discussion with some friends.  Initially it was an innocent conversation about things we hear about in the news. Quickly it turned to sharing contrasting views on both policies and politicians.  In the middle of the discussion, I noticed that one friend stopped interjecting her opinion, and then she stood up, and finally excused herself from the room. 

It turns out that she has a long history of family members engaging in political talk that ends in personal fighting and insults.  Her emotional experience is very negative in these situations, so to her, there was no question that this conversation would lead to personal hardship. 

Rationalizing the situation in her head had no impact on her, avoiding the situation did not help either; but living through the conversation and seeing that all of us were friends at the end, was incredibly relieving and stress reducing.  She had an emotional corrective experience that contradicted her previous belief that “Political conversations always lead to personal hardship”. 

The next time we all gathered my friend took a chance by enduring the political talk until the very end.  Based on her past positive experience, she knew we might not agree politically but our personal relationship would not affected.  With more of these Emotional Corrective Experiences, my friend will become much more confidant and comfortable; soon she may also feel safe enough to share her own opinion: even if others disagree.

Emotional Corrective Experience - Definition

One of the most powerful influences that helps each of us to grow and change is something called “Emotional Corrective Experience”.  Dr. Hurd defined this therapeutic term as “a first-hand experience that challenges a previously held, and false or distorted, belief.”

The Medical Dictionary defined this phenomenon as, when a person changes his or her opinion, belief, or behavior pattern based on a positive experience.  In other words, there is a change in the ability to cope with something difficult based on this new and positive emotional information.  It is not enough to “reason” a bad experience away, or a past pattern away; the most sustainable impact happens when a person re-experiences it in a favorable way.

Human beings are emotional beings, and so much of how we interpret the world around us is based on our emotional experience.  So, reflect on some of your negative thoughts and patterns in order to find out how they became so bad; and ultimately how you can “change” them to have a good experience instead.

To be continued…

Win Over vs. Win With

In both personal and professional relationships, the question of winning often comes up.  As we navigate each day there is bound to be conflict due to frustration, anxiety, or misunderstandings.  We have to have an awareness of how each of us deals with these issues, and what are the goals we are trying to reach.  Are we trying to “Resolve the issue” or are we “trying to be right” or win?

In the book, 7 habits of highly effective people, James Covey talks about the “Win-Win” principle.  It describes how the best resolution is to have both parties walk away feeling good and a sense of victory.  This principle fosters more efficiency in a work environment, more satisfaction within a relationship, and more personal happiness.  Mr. Covey emphatically argues against the idea that you are considered a stronger individual if you always engage in the win-lose relationship scenarios. 

What kind of relationships do you have?  Do you constantly feel like you have to defend your position?  When the goal is to “win over” rather then to “win with”, Dr. Jessica Higgins eloquently phrased the consequence: “It becomes very difficult to maintain a respectful and considerate stance with one another”.

As you navigate your turbulent life journey, consider using the Win-Win strategy in order to achieve the most happiness and satisfaction as possible. 

Relationships and Sports

Time and time again we see coaches and athletes talk very emotionally about the loss of relationships as they are leaving a specific team.  We hear stories about all the time spent together traveling, planning, practicing, resting, eating, and simply goofing around. 

These relationships are on display for the rest of us every day as we watch them celebrate with a unique dance, handshake, or hug.  Through social media, we read about an athlete sticking up for another, or extending congratulations after a victory or championship.  So, Why is this Important?

It’s important because both research and experience have shown that good relationships lead to success and happiness.  Since 1999, the San Antonio Spurs basketball team has won the NBA Championship 5 times, and many experts have labeled them a dynasty.  On paper they are neither the best players nor the highest paid players in the league, but they usually are the best TEAM in the league.

The Spurs put a priority and emphasis on having great relationships within their team, and they have set a wonderful example for the rest of us.  No matter what kind of “team” you are a part of, prioritizing good relationships will be time well spent.  Enjoy the journey.

A relationship is not a social skill

According to Skillsyouneed.com, social skills are “skills you use to communicate and interact with an other person.  This is done both verbally and non-verbally, through gestures, body language and our personal appearance”.  All of these skills are very important as we interact, relate, and communicate with the world around us, and all of these skills help us towards developing a relationship.

Webster defines a relationship as “ when two or more people are connected or in the state of being connected.”  That means that being in any kind of relationship is an Emotional Experience, and that requires a different focus.  Things like meaning and trust are important in relationships, and the deep one’s even require us to be vulnerable.  But how do we go from using social skills to developing relationships?

The answer is “An Emotional Corrective Experience”.  This means that as we use the social skills defined above, we keep track of whether the experience was good or bad.  If it is good, we keep going and try again in order to deepen the connection, but if it is bad we have a tendency to withdraw and eventually lose the connection.

Countless studies show that the happiest people are the one’s who have great relationships, so it is fair to say that the happiest people are the one’s who have the most (and best) emotional corrective experiences.  My advice is to go out there and build better connections, rather than focusing on mastering a specific social skill.